Turning Nineteen

My sister and I in 2003 having a beautiful lunch on my grandparent’s deck.

Written on November 22, 2019 at 1:49 a.m.

I am newly a nineteen year old girl. Newly because I have just recently turned nineteen on the fourteenth of November. I cannot lie, I feel absolutely no different. The only thing that I have realized about this is I have one more year until I am twenty. For someone who religiously thinks that children are better than adults, turning twenty is a nightmare. Everyone says that they would love to be a teen and would do anything to turn back the clock. It is also widely known that the nineteenth birthday is not that great. Eighteen is when adulthood rises and Twenty is when REAL adulthood rises; I mean for all I know or am led to believe. 

For nineteen I think I have done quite a bit, but there are a lot of things that are on my list of things to do prior to turning twenty-one. You see I am a very adventurous person. I crave adventure and that is how it has always been. I remember seeing Ellie from the movie Up and her adventure book for the first time and thinking to myself “okay yes. That is me.” She loved the crazy as much as I do. I need crazy. 

My whole life I have fit in with people until they move on. I cannot tell if it is because I am very big into commitment or if maybe I am the one that loses touch. I want to make connections this year. I want to become less jugdgemental and more caring. I want to be genuine with people. I have never been great at holding long term friendships because I get scared of getting overly clingy with people. I always get worried. I do not have any fears that physically scare me, but I have a lot of worries. I worry that no one really likes me. I worry that I am not good enough for people. I worry about all of my insecurities. I am tired of worrying. Its so exhausting. I need to stop and I know I need to stop. So that is it.

I have found it. My resolution for the year of being nineteen. I need to be better to myself. I need to stop caring what people think so much and start caring more about what I think. I have always wanted to but I put my own opinions of myself on the back burner. I am over it. I am thankful for myself today. When I am nineteen, I am going to love myself. I am going to learn to love myself unconditionally. If I cannot love myself then how am I supposed to believe in myself and the things that I can do in this world. I will keep you updated because this starts today. 

Much love, Eliza.